SA is riddled with the pandemic of domestic violence, and abuse in general. Those of us with the privilege of media platforms at any level, have a responsibility to empower our content consumers and purposefully draw the public’s attention to it as much as it’s within our purview. We should do so even more, given that many incidents aren’t covered in the media, or reported to authorities, or even prosecuted in our courts.
One of the most common questions people often ask about relationships where toxicity and abuse are prevalent is, “Why didn’t she just leave him?”
If someone asked you what would you do if you found yourself in a toxic relationship, how would you answer? You might be thinking that, once someone realises they’re in an unhealthy and even physically abusive relationship, the rational thing to do is to leave their partner immediately.
And yet, trying to explain toxic or abusive relationships with logic is no mean feat. Toxic relationships are insanely complex and leaving one is much easier said than done.
In other words, there are fundamental reasons why people stay in relationships with partners that undervalue and mistreat them.
If you’re in such a relationship, this opinion piece is aimed at helping you understand some of the possible reasons why. And if you’ve never been in a toxic relationship, this might help you change your attitude and be less judgmental of those who stay.
Oftentimes, leaving is easier said than done. So many people stay in unhealthy relationships, feeling trapped, resenting the other person, and even thinking that’s how relationships should be like based on their backgrounds.
Consider some of the following reasons why some people stay in unhealthy relationships. Please note that these are not justifications to stay in such relationships, but just some of the reasons many partners have advanced to us.
Concern over investment
Some feel they’ve already invested too much in the relationship that they stand to lose much more by leaving than to stay. When we have already invested a lot of time, effort, or resources in a relationship, many of us continue that investment even when it may not be best for us to stay. We are biased towards continuing unhappy relationships once we have invested in them.
However, it’s very dangerous to let misconceptions of “lost time” or even property to influence your decision-making. Time in relationships is never wasted. It should be educational.
Need to be a fixer
Many people choose to stay in unhealthy relationships out of an inherent need to help or fix their partner. When you’ve been a caretaker in your relationship, it can feel impossible — even cruel — to walk away. You may deeply hope that your partner could change, against all odds.
However, staying in an abusive relationship out of sacrifice can mean abandoning your own needs, a set-up for resentment for both of you.
Being in love with who they could be, rather than who they are
Many people who are in toxic relationships sometimes stick around because they believe that things will improve someday, or that the relationship can still be salvaged. They also make excuses for their partners by assuming that the unhealthy behaviour is the result of difficult circumstances, or that they can somehow change the relationship by being a better partner themselves.
However, being in love with someone’s potential is a set-up to dismiss the evidence that’s right in front of you, in favour of chasing a fantasy. When your partner has demonstrated that they won’t change, it’s time to take them seriously. When someone shows you their true colours, believe them.
Fear of being alone
A lot of people get accustomed to all that drama, toxicity and living in pain that they no longer want to experience something better, nor do they believe something better exists. And they give up. Our need to be with someone and our fear of being alone and lonely can cause people to accept ill-treatment. It’s something like, “Better the devil I know, than be alone.” But the devil you know is still a devil.
Guilt-trips
Victim-blaming is one of the most vicious manifestations of abuse. The abuser may have convinced the victim that they’re actually responsible for their bad behaviour, accusing them that they brought it upon themselves. Though this may seem illogical to an outsider, guilt and manipulation has a really potent effect for people staying in toxic relationships. It is not hard to gradually form the belief that the abuse happens because of what you do. The victim may feel guilty for wanting to leave because they’re made to feel if they would try just a bit harder, everything would fall back into place.
Being comfortable with chaos
Toxic relationships can be seductive. They usually have the most intensity, the best sex, and serve as a satisfying distraction from other parts of your lives. Over time, it’s easy to grow numb to the relationship’s intensity, grow accustomed to the chaos and pain so much so that how your partner treats you becomes your normal.
Fear of being judged
This fear extends from family and friends to colleagues as well as social circles — especially if we’re talking about marriage. What would people say?
Fear of impending dangers
In some cases, people stay in toxic relationships because it would actually be dangerous for them to leave — or so they’re made to believe. Some victims who try to break away from abusive partners often find that abuse escalates to very dangerous proportions.
Abusive partners may stalk victims who try to leave them, physically abuse them, or otherwise try to control their ability to leave the relationship. If they do not threaten to kill or harm the victim or the children, they may threaten to harm themselves, and by so doing, guilt the victim into feeling sympathy for them and then staying to prevent the threatened violence from happening.
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